There is a quote from John Steinbeck I find that speaks directly to my soul…
I suffer as always from the fear of putting down the first line. It is amazing the terrors, the magics, the prayers, the straitening, shyness that assail one.
Once I fall off the bandwagon, it feels impossible for me to catch up. I let all the fears get into my head. When thinking of Inside Out, you can say “Fear” takes over the control panel of my brain and prevents me from producing any further work. I stop dead in my tracks. Shyness seizes me and I refuse to push myself any further. All the negativity comes out and I’m constantly questioning, “Why do I want to do this?” “Who is going to care?” “Wait, why do I care who this is for?” “Why can’t I get my brain to focus?” And before we know it, months have gone by and that fear Steinbeck speaks of has completely taken over. Once fear takes over, the pressure to find the words makes me completely Frozen. Think of Elsa as her coronation party turns into a disaster.
In true Elsa fashion, I ran from it all. I let fear take over and ran away from any confrontation.
Sometimes though, there is power and strength in solitude. There is a certain growth and acceptance you find when you are alone. Following the Frozen example, Elsa finds the strength to be herself when she is alone. She becomes stronger and accepts who she is. The same goes for me at this point. I’ve been running away from my calling for months. Maybe even years. However, I’ve also found a way to accept it, and accept myself, and bring myself right back here again. I have some special people in my life who helped me do this, whether they realize it or not. Like my own personal Anna, Olaf, and Kristoff. My own personal flurry!
Life isn’t always fine and dandy. At times it feels there is this expectation that we can only share the happy and amazing going on. Sharing the struggles and the mundane are frowned upon (at least in our own minds it is). I know for me personally, I put this mental pressure on myself that everything I ever do or write must be some sort of profound piece, it must be happy, and full of wisdom. I let perfectionism get in the way of my tasks (thanks for helping me recognize that, FlyLady). Now is the time to stop, however. I’m through running away. I’m through hiding my emotions. I’ve accepted the mundane. I’ve accepted the struggles. I’ve accepted the simple. I’ve accepted this is something I need to do for me. Not anyone else. I find my inner peace in the writing world and now I’m ready to resurface. I’m tired of shutting out the world and beginning to understand that sometimes you have to let people in the dark hidden places of your life to help reconnect to your passions.
I’m learning to accept myself. This is a lifetime struggle I’m sure everyone faces. I am ready to accept doing this all for me because I find confidence and a sacredness in writing. Our lives are not always perfect, it’s not always thrilling, but this outlet of writing is a crucial piece of who I am, and I am tired of burying it inside of me pretending it does not exist. I’m ready to start singing “Let It Go” and yell out “the past is the past!” There is always time for a fresh start. I’m ready to share myself and my thoughts. I’m ready to be me. I’m ready to let my nerd show. I’m ready to share my passions, my struggles, the frustrations, the happy, the creative, the mundane; to share me.
I’m ready to write.